The relationship between what exists of the unseen
and the images that are created in one's mind
the like and dislike-ness of an image; the obscure, the observance,
the 'is' and 'isn't' between the possibilities of an image
how an image's "reality" is forced elsewhere, for psychological means.
Distant memories. Anti-photography as a kind of "what if"?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Ho Ho Ho, and everything in between

That's not a good way to keep promises, Lai. You said you'll keep up with this journal and what do you do? After a week you disappear.

Although, in my defense, it was a pretty busy week for me. What with the Christmas rush and the sudden onslaught of things-to-finish pounding rather loudly on my door, I had to put blogging aside. I admit I was tempted to put a little "what I did today" short post, a half-assed sad excuse for an entry just for the sake of it, but I literally had to stop myself from clicking the publish button. But I'm still not in the mood to actually blog about a recent dream I had, it feels too heavy for a time like this so I'll just keep it in the back of my head for now so I can talk about it later.

The holidays never fails to impress upon me how wonderful the year has been. I always end up all choked up with all the Christmas gatherings, having fun catching up with family and friends and overall being a celebration of relationships. This Christmas though, there are a few heartstrings that I have felt leaden with feelings opposite how I used to feel - carefree, love, glee, contentment - that I feel I cannot truly celebrate the holiday in full abandon. Unfortunate events, both unforeseen and expected have been weighing down on me more than it used to.

I have been searching and searching for ways on how to remove the burdens, but I have come to realize that removing all of it completely is unnecessary and selfish. Unnecessary because I don't need to solve everything all at once just in time for the holidays. To rush things would lend me half-baked peace of mind which no one can enjoy. And selfish because it is actually healthy to have a little bit of your life not as neat as you would want it to be. Everybody has stuff to deal with, everybody battles their own demons, who am I to demand for a clear and pure state of mind?

This holiday, I was given the gift of acceptance.

And with that, I leave you with a greeting, wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. Hope you enjoy your New Years too!

Let's all wish I will be able to produce a better entry before the year ends. On another note, I have put up little deers on my blog, they look so cute, no? I felt the need to dress the blog up just in time for the holidays. (even if I'm a month late in doing so)

Monday, December 13, 2010

Christmas realization

I haven't been an avid simbang gabi goer. never was for the wrong reasons: (a) cannot wake up in the middle of the night to haul my ass to church, (b) do not want to deal with the crowd so early in the morning and (c) I am so not a morning person.

But now that I did want to attend the simbang gabi and complete it till christmas, to give thanks to the Lord for all the blessings He has given me and to recognize and truthfully celebrate christmas as Christ's birth, I cannot. My days are nights and I will not be able to get off from work in time for the misa. To make up for it, I tried to go to the anticipated simbang gabi masses, but never do wake up early enough for it as my sleeping schedule is wonky enough as it is plus add the fact that we've been busy the past few weeks so aside from having crazy sleep schedules, I have to make do with having too little time to sleep due to the overtime hours.

This is the last straw. I cannot let my work get in the way of living my life how I want it. It has always hindered me. Always made me feel that I was giving in to be a corporate slave just so I will have enough money to go around. I'm a big spender, a self-confessed but closet shopaholic and cannot live a week without buying something. This I got to change. I have to give up being selfish about the material things so I can do myself a favor and bring something positive in my life, an investment for the future.

Although, it will be hard to let go of such a wonderful bunch of colleagues, people whom always makes my work easier with all the laughter shared, the friendships forged where you can openly confide and receive genuine care and sympathy for your woes. But these I have to sacrifice to make the necessary life improvements.

I realize, I've been posting a lot of serious and heart felt posts these days. My hormones have gotten the best of me. And December is usually the time in our lives to reflect on the year that has passed, this alone merits all the Lifetime Network-ish posts I've been putting up lately. It amuses me that when you read through my blog when I started to open it last week, you'll never really connect it to the person I am in real life. I've never really been that kind of a blogger, but I guess part of me secretly rejoiced in the sudden impulse to blog again. Joyed to be able to pen feelings again, to let it all hang out and not brush it off.

Here's to ending the year with a better understanding of myself.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Love notes

Unlike most people, when I reminisce about my High school days, I always get a warm and fuzzy feeling of love all over me. If you ask me why so... Why, when every one else's experience might be of regret or how they might shudder with the memory of awkwardness while I would blissfully smile and stare off into space?

High school was the time I found true love.

I remember it clearly, the 10 years did little to erase them from my memories. But the edges has grown soft with wear from revisiting them over and over. It was the second year of High School and the rather fortunate series of events led me to meet him.

For the school year of 2000 - 2001, Elizabeth Seton School's second year high school has a population that exceeded the regular 6 sections. Thus the 7th section was born. I skimmed over the list of sections for that year and found out that I was on the 7th extra section. I was bummed at first because I was not at the same section as my best friend was and that I wasn't that close to anyone on my new section. But as first day starts, my anxiety eases because I got great classmates and saw that I can forge great friendships then. I was down at first as I found out that the extra section would have to be on the 1st floor tucked in a corner while all the other 6 sections were on the 2nd floor of the building. Turns out this was a blessing as we all got close to each other.

In High school, I kept to my circle of friends and had little to no care for the hierarchy of class in our batch. I befriended everyone who was nice and talked to anyone who was open. He was loud, ran with the cool cats of the batch and cracked jokes inside the classroom ever so often.

By middle of the school year, he started noticing me. I was shy, near the top of my class academically and kept my nose on my books so I had no interest in school crushes and the likes. I ignored him, thinking he'll stop pestering me if he sees that I was not interested. But he kept on, rather persistent with his intentions and would go to amusing antics to win over my affection. I remember I kept asking myself then, what does he see in me as I was a meek girl and consider myself of average looks, nothing special to merit the attention he was giving me. And so, out of curiousity, I opened myself up, allowing to talk to him or spend a few moments with him during breaks.

This was when I found out he wasn't such a bad guy after all, he was fun to be with, he would make me laugh whenever I was with him and he made me feel like I was the only girl in the room when he looked at me. We spent a lot of time together and one day I told him we could be a couple.

His eyes lit up and he immediately announced this to everyone.

Fast forward to the year 2010. Last month, we spent our 10th year anniversary and announced our engagement to my family. Who would have thought that 10 years ago, in the early days of our relationship, when we were just joking around and kept each other company at school, that we would end up excited to spend the rest of our lives together?

His persistence, my curiousity,
his jokes, my laugh,
his faith, my trust,
his honesty, my openness
Our love gives me hope.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

christmas is a time for...

Everywhere I look these days I see the spread of Christmas cheer. And lately, all the wishlists posted on almost every blogger's site makes me want to make my very own. But I couldn't think of enough things I really want to have for Christmas, so here's my almost Christmas wish list. When I wish, I wish big - so when I don't get the one I wish for, I get the next great thing (who sensed a Little Prince adaptation there? thumbs up if you do!)

1. My very own place

Ever since I was 18, I have always wished for a place of my own. This has been brought about by my mom condition (me and her don't exactly get along, at that age. these days we're pretty civil but not close close, a matured version of our teen phase moments), my cat obsession (I have always wanted to have a cat but we cannot on my household because my mom is deathly scared of them and my brother was asthmatic back then) and my hidden penchant for designing rooms. My mind goes on overdrive whenever I imagine that a certain blank space is mine.

2.An adorable little kitty

Well, if I have my own home then I can have my little precious of a kitty. I already have decided that when I do get a place of my own I'll get a persian cat. I have a big place in my heart for tabby grey or tabby mocha persian kitties.

3. Freelancing gig or my very own small business

I am sick of my current job and have been meaning to look for a new one for the past 6 months. Financial issues kept me on though and what I would give to be able to work on my own terms and be my own boss. I know this would entail a lot of perseverance and patience on my end. Both of which I do not know if I can muster up.

4. A BB :)

Ever since the BB has taken over the States when I was still active in msg boards and all of my friends there are getting BBs, I wanted one. And since my plan with Globe is soon to expire (April whoo!) I'd like to upgrade it to another and get a BB with it. Although, I think Globe has discontinued the more affordable curve to a newer 9300 model (which IS totally sweet) which I'm still justifying if I need it at such a steep price. But I'm still holding out hope that the 8520 Curve is still available somewhere, as that one's more along my price range.

Well, there it is, my almost Christmas wish list. All of which I'm pretty sure I won't be able to have this Christmas, but, a girl can dream.

Simpler things I want for Christmas:

Bucket lists are really for the incorrigible

In the middle of the year 2010, Lai spent time to review her life as it is and concluded that she needed to get back to her artistic roots and put an end to her un-inspired stump. So she then made an infamous "Things to do to get out of a rut" list and promised herself to complete this by the end of the year.

She set out to do everything on her list immediately. Buying 2 blank notebooks to serve as journals, splurging on a blank mini book and colored pencils to do her drawn polaroid doodles 2.0 (yes, colored! as opposed to just in blank ink) and set up her computer to collect all the works to feature in the new portfolio.

In the span of 3 months, she was able to organize her camera shelf (admittedly this one was easy as a breeze), update her online portfolio, started receiving freelance works, update drawn polaroids tumblr once and write on her journal more or less every day.

If only the year ended at 3 months then she would have been a happy camper. But as all her famous lists goes (sic: Things to do in college, Things to do after college, Things to do on my first job, Things to do to pick up from first job, Things to do to get out of second job, etc) this one, also, did not get the satisfaction of being used - crossed out till the end. 

What list, pray tell, would be subject to the same fate as the ones before us have endured? Will there be an end to the embarrassing show of failure?

I have always wondered how my life narrator would sound like. I imagined the above paragraphs were lent the voice of the narrator for Pushing Daisies, which sadly, got cut off before it even took off here in the Phils. That narrator always got a chuckle out of me as he always found a way to make a downer seem not so bad after all. Which is the case of my failed "Things to do to get out of a rut" list. It's exactly 24 days till the end of the year and I haven't accomplished (by that I mean truly finished, not just started and then let go in the middle of doing so) anything from that list. Although my half of year wasn't exactly put to waste... I -
  • spent an amount of time and money on researching for and getting healthier skin care products
  • spent an even greater treasure for a handful of Impossible Project films that are hard to come by
  • went ahead and got my parent's permission to get hitched in the next 1-2 years
  • shone brightly at work. A big recognition, even if I belittle it
  • forged somewhat meaningful relationships on my fiance's circle of friends
  • encouraged my entrepreneur friends to go for gold and helped them whichever way I can
  • have insightful and moral support for my fiance's career shift

It got me to thinking that I really do not need a list of things to accomplish for next year. Lists just presents me with the undeniable feeling of incompleteness when my self imposed deadline is looming ahead and I still have a lot of uncrossed out lines to do. And somehow, knowing that I have a list makes me not want to do it more. Which I know sounds crazy but then again it does make perfect sense because I never really was the type of person to let herself be held down by constraints and limits. I should just go with what needs to happen.

Sometimes, you do not know what you really need to do right at this moment but when you get there, you always have to put your foot forward and do the best that you can do to accomplish what is expected of you.

Monday, December 6, 2010

days are nights

I slept for one whole day this sunday. I wasn't sure if it was because I lack sleep last saturday, or because it was that time of the month so my puson kept me alseep due to the pain, or a combination of both.

I realized whenever this happens, I don't need to wake up to eat or drink. Such is the life of one who doesn't prioritize eating.

during my 24 hour comatose state, I dreamed - a lot. And as usual, when I woke up, I felt my head swimming with these dreams. I tried to grasp at them, trying to hold on to them long enough to revisit them one by one. But as I've already learned thousands of waking moments before, it's a futile task.

I already tried to keep a dream journal before. I had it on my bedside table, ready whenever I wake up. But I can never finish writing one dream. The story line is always smudged. I just knew what I felt like and bits and pieces of what happened. And I can never put into words these fragmented parts of the dream before it vanishes completely from my consciousness. It was frustrating, to say the least, to not be able to remember in full detail what my mind has created during my sleep. I always feel cheated in some way, that I should have some sort of control over what I can remember when I wake up.

I shouldn't be complaining that much. I am a dreamer, and I like that about me. I dream and I dream vividly. Save for the fact that I cannot usually remember enough when I wake up, my dreams are perfect. They make me feel like I read an interesting story when I wake up and this makes me feel special.

Dreams are a great big part of what makes my life interesting.

at first...

I have a sense of awe for the invisible -
the camera's anatomy trying to get through the poignant strains of all living creatures
against the blur of a transparent axis
the space between is filled with wholly visible camouflage
cameras travel through the sweetly scented winds of my spine.
 I decided I needed a space to organize my thoughts, as they have become louder and louder as time passes by. The urgency to write - how ever persistent - doesn't overpower the urgency to tell. I have my journal, it's in my desk. But it serves only as a tableau for a collection of dust bunnies.

It is not as if I didn't try. I tried as hard as one could possibly hope for. But simply typing up bottled feelings are faster than my ability to pen them.

Here am I again.